Sunday, February 01, 2009

Monthly EastEnders Synopsis from Union Jack News

Overture: We are starting to realize that maybe Jack's interest in Tanya has more to do with him getting revenge on his brother Max, than interest in Tanya. And note, I said 'we'. Tanya is still oblivious. Maybe. And why wouldn't she be? Who would you rather sit across from at the dinner and breakfast table (not to mention all the bits in-between)? Hunka hunka burnin' luv Jack, or ginger, weasely Max? Jack's next trick to get to Easy Street is to get Tanya and the kids away from the Square, and living in France (like Tomorrow) before Max realizes they're gone. They already bought the new digs and sold their house on the Square, before the fly in the ointment, Daddy's Girl Abi finds out and promptly cals Max. Max sees a lawyer and will do anything to get custody and keep his kids from being taken out of the country. Could that mean spilling the beans about that little overlooked detail (which Jack knows nothing about): Tanya attempting to bury him alive?...

Elsewhere, with paedophile Tony unable to control Whitney like he used to, he has now started punishing her by shutting her out & pretending to be interested in Bianca. And it looks like he's set his eye on new little girls - namely vulnerable Lauren Branning. He's also trying to get Ricky out of the house, but Pat says it's her house & she's having none of it...

Across the Square, it's a hard knock life for Jane Beale who's been leading a double life for months; sneaking around behind Ian's back, while telling him she's at the gym. But Ian finally realizes she's been lying to him, and he has plenty of experience with wives lying to him, so one night he follows her and discovers her horrible secret: She's a stand-up comedian! Her stage name is 'Mrs. Beale', and as he sits in the back of the audience, unknown to Jane, he is, at first, amused. Then she starts telling jokes about 'Mr. Beale', and their sex life. Apparently, something was missing. Ouch. He later confronts her, in a disturbing scene, where he tries to be a sexy brute (as opposed to the wimpy way Mrs. Beale describes him in her act), and when rebufffed, he tells her he KNOWS. She says lighten up, I don't need anything but you. He says it's either him or the comedy. Seriously...

Elsewhere, due to the new Great Depression, The Masoods are forced to sell their post office...Garry tries, once more, to get Dawn to notice he's alive...Big Mo almost gets nicked for selling stolen underwear on the stall (don't ask)...Bradley tries to fix their relationship by rushing Stacy into marriage but she balks, and under intense questioning from Bradley, (who clearly hasn't learned his interogation techniques from anyone at Walford nick, who can never get anyone to ever confess to anything), admits that she loves him as a friend, but isn't attracted to him. So, it's over and Stacy, who's never fully dressed without a scowl, is back living with the Slaters...

Over at the Vic, it's like Picadilly Circus: Phil Warbucks is luved up with Suzy Branning Hannigan, whose main activity, when not coming very close to secretly getting it on with Peggy's Archie, is trying to get Phil to buy her expensive stuff like fur coats. Then there's Billy, who despite his history, somehow gets approved to foster recently orphaned, Jay, who thinks he's gonna like it there. But Jay is a very angry boy, and things aren't going well. Then there's Peggy, who under Archie's repressive thumb, has gone from mutton dressed as lamb, to mutton dressed as Michelle Fowler circa 1986. Rounding it off is Sean and the very pregnant Roxy (who, for some reason, Dad Archie keeps trying to keep away from her sister Ronnie, whom he clearly hates and tortures every chance he gets, by manipulating her and blocking her from anyone and everything she loves). But there seems to be a little ticking surprise package, that everyone is unaware of, thrown into the mix: Danielle who has now been hired as the cleaner at the Vic. Turns out she has a locket with a picture of the young Ronnie in it - just like Ronnie has a locket with a picture of the infant her Dad forced her to give up for adoption in it. If you haven't yet guessed, it's all very 'Annie' (on acid). When Ronnie had said she wanted to try to find her baby, Dad said he'd heard the child died, and for some bizarre reason, even though Ronnie tells anyone who'll listen that her dad is a liar, she believes him. But hmmm...seems her daughter is alive, and came to find her, and has been living in the Square for weeks, and nobody knows it's HER. Maybe they'll get a New Deal for Christmas this year (What am I saying? It will be the usual holiday bloodbath with the famerlee).

And they said Broadway was dead...

Signed, Your Faithful Reporter,
Deborah Gilbert
AKA Ishcabibble

**Pick up a copy of Union Jack News at a British specialty shop near you. It is available across the US. Or for more info, go to www.ujnews.com

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